So before an audience of overworked PR people, cynical stylists, and
confused allies, she asks how the trajectory was reversed despite
help from a phenomenally less pudgy Missy Elliott.
saw the same kiss from tATu and it was way hotter," answers Gwyneth
Paltrow, stroking Chris Martin's bean-shaped head.
With tears in her eyes, she realizes that "American Life"
is a clunker, that it's been reduced to the most debased musical currency
there is: the hastily-put-together remix CD.
faux-Brit accent downgrades to her old Detroit drawl as she assumes
her favorite yoga position, the Corpse. Guy Ritchie rushes to his
wife's side and strokes her hair which, after years of bleaching,
feels like really expensive hay.
her acting career is one long mockumentary, Madonna has resorted to
co-branding to remain musically relevant. She allowed Kelly Osbourne
to cover "Papa Don't Preach" and revisited herself with
"Into The Hollywood Groove," obviously scraping bottom both
collaborations with Mirwais were inspired, but the high-octane electronic
purring soon sounded like a computer farting underwater.
much needed street cred, her unsexy groaning in "Justify My Love"
is sampled on "Justify My Thug," one of the tracks on Jay-Z's
"The Black Album: The End of an Era." Is this an omen for
Madonna? I can only hope.
desperation [as evidenced by Madonna's kissing of Britney Spears,
duet with Spears etc] made her catch the wave, but even hardcore Madonna
fans admit that she has already missed the boat.
despite her undeniable influence on pop culture, sociopathic devotion
is completely unnecessary and frankly, quite pathetic.
reinvention is something that anyone can easily do these days, should
we wait for her next makeover? A Junior Vasquez club hit from 1996
has the fitting reply: "If Madonna calls, I'm not here."