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Age Against the Machine: Ray of Fright

Inquirer News Service

October 31, 2003


... So before an audience of overworked PR people, cynical stylists, and confused allies, she asks how the trajectory was reversed despite help from a phenomenally less pudgy Missy Elliott.

"We saw the same kiss from tATu and it was way hotter," answers Gwyneth Paltrow, stroking Chris Martin's bean-shaped head.

... With tears in her eyes, she realizes that "American Life" is a clunker, that it's been reduced to the most debased musical currency there is: the hastily-put-together remix CD.

The faux-Brit accent downgrades to her old Detroit drawl as she assumes her favorite yoga position, the Corpse. Guy Ritchie rushes to his wife's side and strokes her hair which, after years of bleaching, feels like really expensive hay.

Since her acting career is one long mockumentary, Madonna has resorted to co-branding to remain musically relevant. She allowed Kelly Osbourne to cover "Papa Don't Preach" and revisited herself with "Into The Hollywood Groove," obviously scraping bottom both times.

Her collaborations with Mirwais were inspired, but the high-octane electronic purring soon sounded like a computer farting underwater.

For much needed street cred, her unsexy groaning in "Justify My Love" is sampled on "Justify My Thug," one of the tracks on Jay-Z's "The Black Album: The End of an Era." Is this an omen for Madonna? I can only hope.

...The desperation [as evidenced by Madonna's kissing of Britney Spears, duet with Spears etc] made her catch the wave, but even hardcore Madonna fans admit that she has already missed the boat.

And despite her undeniable influence on pop culture, sociopathic devotion is completely unnecessary and frankly, quite pathetic.

Since reinvention is something that anyone can easily do these days, should we wait for her next makeover? A Junior Vasquez club hit from 1996 has the fitting reply: "If Madonna calls, I'm not here."

Boy George Says Madonna Has No Integrity

from Contact Music

October 31, 2003

(Good for Boy George for continuing to speak out against "The Venereal Girl!")

Former CULTURE CLUB singer BOY GEORGE has hit out at pop superstar MADONNA again - accusing her of having no integrity.

The KARMA CHAMELEON star - who is currently in New York preparing for the Broadway opening of his play TABOO - was left fuming last year (02) when a joke about Madonna had to be removed from the show's London production on her lawyer's instruction.

Now, on the DVD which charts the making of the musical hit in London, George has another dig at the MATERIAL GIRL's behaviour.

He snipes, "I want it to be successful but not at the loss of the integrity of the show - I'm not Madonna."

A source on the show adds, "George won't let the row with Madonna drop. He couldn't believe it when she got the lawyers onto him last year."

Kelly Osbourne Asks: Why Is Madonna Still Acting?

Contact Music

November 6, 2003

MADONNA's refusal to give up acting despite constant critical pannings has left teen singer KELLY OSBOURNE bemused.

The 18-year-old daughter of rocker OZZY OSBOURNE has watched Madonna conquer the music arena but face relentless slammings for her acting - most recently in the 2002 movie SWEPT AWAY.

And SHUT UP! singer Kelly, who hopes to try out acting herself, doesn't understand why Madonna won't get the message and just quit.

She says, "My thought is, try it once and you suck at it, at least you know. I'm not going to do any Madonna movies. For example, she did a movie and she played herself, then she did another movie and it sucked and did another movie and it sucked and she did another movie and it sucked.

"Give her credit for trying, but why keep at it if you suck?"